(You don't want to hear about recycling poachers any more, but let me just say that my next-door neighbor has invented a new way to make recycling poaching even more annoying. Last night he waited until the RP was outside on the sidewalk and then rained down empty cans from his second-story window, like a medieval townsman emptying a chamber pot, except instead of shit it was empty aluminum cans that pinged off the sidewalk like TINK! TINK! TINK! while the RP scrabbled around scooping them all up. Unbelievable.)
Without further ado.
Mondays, amirite? pic.twitter.com/zw2HAYR64Z— Lindsey (@Lahlahlindsey) March 11, 2013
The look on the dog's face.
my Boston PD source says an arrest has been made and also he's not the fucking rat YOU'RE the fucking rat you lace-curtain motherfucker
— alex pareene (@pareene) April 17, 2013
Shazam, but for feelings.
— Kate Horton (@ladymisskate) May 4, 2013
Girl, are you a hotel swimming pool, because you sure are shallow and seem to have a chemical imbalance.
— clowntraps (@clowntraps) May 13, 2013
Well, I'm sure a Florida lottery winner will act responsi- (AIRSHIP MADE OF OLD FORD MUSTANGS AND ILLEGAL PETS EMERGES FROM THE CLOUDS)— sir broosk (@celebrityhottub) May 19, 2013
That's one of my favorite tweets of all time, actually.
"She called her sister & they talked about what they ate & how guilty they felt about eating it." - NSA listening to my phone conversations— Sonia Mansfield (@TheSoniaShow) June 7, 2013
@brittneyg oh sorry about that— Richie Nakano (@linecook) June 23, 2013
Oh a start up?????!!!!!!! Sounds cool tell me mKILL YOURSELF— Дашка (@dashkanekrasova) July 10, 2013
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I'm pursuing you online and from my couch— MattyTalks (@mattytalks) July 19, 2013
I'm a big fan of the "Girl are you" and the "Girl you can call me" tweetforms.
*affixes a second leash to a hot babes dog while shes tying her shoe* would you look at that. we have the exact same dog. this is incredible— Löwenäffchen (@Lowenaffchen) July 26, 2013
I just found this one a couple of days ago, even though it's from July, and have been laughing about it ever since.
Sometimes when I'm talking to someone, I imagine what they'd look like as a chair. I've been tested for autism twice.— Molly McAleer (@molls) July 26, 2013
Hi I'm 2 Chainz, as you all know, I love big booty hoes. But there's nothing "big booty" about childhood diabetes— Larry Bird (@stonerfish420) August 8, 2013
Realest dude alive is the guy dressed as a croissant at the Yeezus show.— Otto Von Biz Markie (@Passionweiss) October 27, 2013
The Wife and I both laugh every time someone mentions this tweet, which is a lot in our house.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I'm freaking out right now tell me his exact words.— 5318008 (@primawesome) December 4, 2013
Strong contender for best tweet of the year.
See you next year! I promise to work harder on the content side.